Emails Can Be Very Educational

My son Drew is about to turn ONE. Goodness. Where has a year gone? So I have been thinking a lot about his BIRTH day lately. Maybe I'll post his birth story on his birthday.

I know a whole lot more now than I did then, and I wish I would have known more then. It's all about education...self-education. And I think it is so important to try to pass on the education--to share with as many people as possible (encouraging my four subscribers to share with people who might benefit).

So, today I am posting an email that I received from one of my high school friends when I was pregnant. Yep, more than a year later, I still have it saved in my email account. Her words are too wise and too informative to delete. So I thought I would post it this evening. She was one of very few "cheerleaders" for natural childbirth--which I was very interested in while I was pregnant, am still very interested in now, and am HOPING to be able to do if we are blessed to have another child in the future.

My friend's email to me begins:

"Ahh, natural childbirth in the 21st century . . . (sigh). Okay, here goes my soapbox . . . When I was expecting the first time I was pretty much in your same boat. Of course I would like to have a natural birth (DUH). After listening for 30 years to my mom tell me how much her Lamaze class helped and how the hardest part of labor was waiting for the doctor to get there . . ."

I think it is so funny that my friend's mother had such an easy birth...mine did, too. Intersting that they both took intensive Lamaze courses. Hmmmmmmm. Were their births truly that easy OR had they been educated in the proper mindset? Had they been practicing the relaxation techniques with their husbands for weeks and weeks? My mom indicated that she and my father really had to practice regularly and seriously at home in order to not be embarrassed at class. The breathing techniques and exercises they rehearsed not only improved relaxation and focus, but sounded like they built physical endurance as well. My mom, too, told me about my birth story over and over while I was pregnant, maybe in hopes that I would start believing that it could be a lovely experience contrary to what most people described.

When I even suggested the possibility that I was planning to decline an epidural, the responses I got usually included "you're crazy" or "that's what drugs are for" or "why would you even want to consider that" and sometimes included rolling eyes. One of the most unhelpful responses was "they don't give you a medal, you know." Such support from fellow women, many of them mothers themselves.

My friend's email continues:

"I signed up for a four-week hospital birth class which someone said was "Lamaze-like". I was, like you, a little surprised at the short length of the class, but figured hey, if my Mom can do it so can I. Maybe the classes are shorter now since all the doctors and nurses are more educated about natural birth (Not like in the 70's, right? Our moms paved the way for us, right?). Unfortunately, the reality is that most standard birth classes these days only pay lip service to preparing women for natural childbirth. And that is just fine with hospitals - they would rather women learn about hospital protocols than about listening to their own bodies. Hospitals don't make money that way."

What she really meant was the four 2-hour long classes that the hospitals offer are great if (a) you know absolutely nothing and don't plan to read a single word before you give birth, (b) you want to know exactly how the birth progresses medically and you don't already own the book "What to Expect...yadda yadda", or (c) you want to practice breathing techniques for about 15 minutes total--with all four of the classes put together.

So were the classes useful? I think they helped my husband understand birth and newborns and breastfeeding a little better. But I had already read about 90% of the information that was being presented either online or in pregnancy books. The most fun for me was seeing the mesh underwear that until then I had only heard about. And I will admit that the postpartum depression discussion was serious, thought-provoking and valuable. Other than that, not such a wise use of our dwindling time as just-the-two-of-us. Interestingly enough we both sort of zoned out when the C-section video was taking place because we were both positive I wouldn't be having one--which we ended up having, but that is certainly for another post. And I was SO PROUD of my husband because I remember the class that we learned about the medical "stuff"--especially with the epidural and how it ties you to the bed, and you can't get up and walk around, and it makes nursing after birth more difficult, and is such a medical, sometimes dangerous procedure, etc, etc.--he said "I never imagined giving birth being so medical." And when he said it, I heard in his voice that he wanted a more natural experience than what was just described, and less danger to me and our soon-to-be-born son. If only...but again, I'll save my birth story for another post.

And my friend's email continues:

"While it is far too "un-PC" for OB's or LDR nurses to ever say they are actually AGAINST natural childbirth, most rarely ever see one, let alone having any experience actually HELPING moms birth the way nature intended. In St. Louis, most of the hospitals have an over 90% epidural rate, somewhere around a 40% induction rate, and a 30% C-section rate. Think about it."

I'm glad she told me to think about it. I had never thought about ANY of that before, and I was pretty pregnant when I received this email that I am posting.

"Here is what I think about birth classes. If you are serious about going the husband-coached natural labor route, you will need to take a class that really gives you time to actually practice the coping techniques, so they come naturally to you once labor really hits. These are usually private classes and there are lots of different programs (Bradley, Hypnobirthing, Hypnobabies, Birthing From Within, etc.).

Otherwise, I say just get some books (most of the methods have books available) and maybe practice at home if you want to. The other side of the coin is that no matter what technique you learn, once active labor really hits hard most women just do whatever their bodies tell them to anyway. And that's just fine. I think the main purpose of ANY natural birth prep class is to give you confidence going into early labor, because fear can seriously mess you up (have you gotten very far in Ina May's book?)"

At the time I received the email in this post, it was a little on the late side to find/start/participate in a different class. I remember that I tried to find some local Lamaze classes, and I pondered trying a do-it-yourself book study with my husband, but it just didn't pan out. I was pregnant, hormonal, working full-time. And I didn't have a lot of local support to turn to. I live about 10 hours away from this friend and didn't know ANYONE who had taken any other classes than the ones the hospital offered. But, at least now I DO know of some local resources (like classes and doulas and yoga), and I HAVE met some mothers who birthed naturally.

My friend mentioned Ina May's book, which she had sent to me in a care package. Did I mention what a great friend she is? I didn't finish the book all the way through, but the underlying message, the message which made me Google "doulas," was about peaceful natural births by empowered women. How amazing does that sound?

"Regardless of what you decide about that, I really recommend investing in a doula. Husbands are great, but they make lousy labor coaches. Even if they are conscientious enough to study up on labor coping methods, when you are in labor you will respond FAR better to suggestions from someone who has actually been in your shoes (my husband can attest to this!). And don't expect labor support from the nursing staff - they are stretched far too thin among their patients. Maybe you will be in a different boat if you go with the nurse midwife, but even so it can be helpful to have someone come to your house and help you decide when it's time to leave for the hospital - the LAST thing you want to do is show up too early!"

Getting a doula...I was pretty motivated to find one until the big disagreement with DH. Maybe for another post...because it is a story of its own and caused another wise email from this same friend that is worth posting.

My friend closes her email:

"Sorry if this comes off preachy-I just wish someone had told me all this stuff before [my son] was born. I was so sure I knew what I was doing, and I
had been perfectly healthy the whole pregnancy. I am still blown away by how a perfectly healthy woman with a perfectly normal baby can show up at the hospital in labor and turn into a C-section. As I am sure you have heard, things went just a little bit differently with [my next one].

Okay, I'm off the soapbox now."

I didn't take it as preachy at all--I took it as a close friend being honest and open and doing her part in helping to educate her soon-to-give-birth-for-the-first-time friend. We could all benefit from a friend like this, huh?

We Love Bath Time

My own mom giving me a bath circa 1974. Note dated "Desitin" baby wash. Also note that no unnecessary cash was spent on a specially-made tub that fits over a sink (although I really liked our first infant bathtub, because clearly I would have to scrub, disinfect, de-germ, etc. our kitchen sink in order to bathe Drew in it).


And little Drew a few months ago in his bath:


And Drew's new bathtub. Yes, embarrassingly I have spent more money on another bathtub. But if I had seen this one in the first place, maybe I wouldn't have gotten the first one...which I really did like. I think this is a new model, invented since my baby showers :) It is supposedly molded to be used one way from 0 - 6 months and then like Drew is using it now, it supposed to go to 24 months. I am skeptical that he will fit in it when he is two years old, but what do I know? I can only tell you about 0 - 11 months so far! I felt like he was outgrowing his other tub, and since we shower where Drew bathes, well I cannot bring myself to sit Drew where we put our dirty feet...I'm a bit of a germ freak--and also, who wants to scrub out the tub before every single baby bath? So this tub is big and deep and it was a nice upgrade.


Did I mention that I love these tub toys? This is one thing that I did purposely register for and I'm so glad I did! Love the frog on the wall, love that it holds all his bath shapes (because prior to the frog we had been carting other bath toys back and forth from his room to the tub every bath time). Also--love the shapes and colors and the fact that they stick to the wall.

Green Cake Just In Time

I know there are a few avid cake-bakers out there. Pastry chefs in-the-making. I thought I should post this family recipe in time for the cake-bakers to get to the store before St. Patrick's Day. No, this is not an Irish cake recipe, rather a green cake. It would be appropriate to bake it in a shamrock-shaped pan, though.

Creme de Menthe Cake

1 package white cake mix (also egg whites & oil as cake mix instructions indicate)
1/3 c. green Creme de Menthe (for cake mix)
1 jar hot fudge ice cream topping (NOT chocolate syrup)
***Mrs. Richardson's brand is the best
***Hershey's and Smuckers are also thick enough
1 8 oz. container Cool Whip
3 Tbsp. Creme de Menthe (for Cool Whip)

Mix the cake according to the directions on the box, EXCEPT substitute 1/3 cup of Creme de Menthe for 1/3 cup of the water (usually recipe calls for something like 1 1/4 cups of liquid, so you will have the SAME amount of liquid, but 1/3 cup of it will be the Creme de Menthe, and the rest will be water). Pour into 9x13 pan (or that shamrock pan that you found and can only use once a year). Bake according to instructions on the box.

As soon as cake is removed from oven, spread the entire jar of hot fudge topping. Topping & cake need to be warm to make for easy spreading. Cool completely. When cake is cooled (maybe even chilled a little in the fridge), mix 2 - 3 Tbsp. of Creme de Menthe into the container of Cool Whip. You may want to add a few drops of green food coloring into Cool Whip for an even greener topping. Spread onto cake. Refrigerate until served. Enjoy!

Our Miracle

Found this quote on another blog and fell in love with it:

“The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.”-Pablo Casals

Baby Training Not For Me!

When I was pregnant with our first (and currently only) child, I read quite a bit, but mostly about how to breastfeed and about what was happening to my pregnant body. I knew all about foremilk and hindmilk, but I didn't know a thing about babies and their sleep patterns, with the exception that most of my friends who had babies/small children usually complained that they were sleep-deprived and were constantly warning me about the little sleep that I would be getting once Drew arrived.

Some family members as well as one friend of mine recommended to me a book about parent-directed baby-scheduling (but let's call a spade a spade...it was a book about training your baby to get on your schedule). Even as I type those words, I think about how far I've come in my thinking about my style/philosophies of parenting. The recommending family/friends talked about how the "methods" totally worked on their children and they were eager to back this up with data about how soon after birth their babies were "sleeping through the night" and how lovely it was to not have to feed their babies so often. I wonder if, in other cultures, it is common for women to brag about how long their babies sleep at night and how LONG they can go between feedings. Well, I have come to find out that I have a much different style of parenting.

Thank goodness I didn't waste my time reading the book during my pregnancy because prior to reading any of the "advice" (training instructions!) offered in the book, I had already had many intelligent and enlightening conversations with other mothers whose parenting methods felt more like mine. Granted, I don't parent too far from the perceived norm of our culture, but I definitely give more conscious thought to different areas of parenting than most other moms I come into contact with. I also do not take our pediatrician's word as the only way and/or best way to do things (like his advice to let Drew cry-it-out at 6 months).

Which brings me to why I even started this post in the first place. I want anyone and everyone (all four of you!) who read this blog to know that you don't HAVE to "train" your baby to sleep through the night by MAKING him/her Cry It Out. You can, but you really should read the research on the Ferber Method and any other CIO training methods. I am not an expert, but I have read enough to know that there is potential to damage your child's physical, mental, and emotional health if he/she is left to cry it out at a young age (yes, even six months, eight months, ten months...all too young in my opinion). Go ahead and stop reading this blog and read the Parenting Baby To Sleep blog. Or google those methods. There is information at your fingertips. You'll find huge fans of the CIO method, too. I'm just asking you to make an informed decision about why you would choose any "baby training."

OUR SLEEP STORY:
Like many, many infants, Drew came home from the hospital and slept most during the day and stayed up most of the night. It was frustrating for me and for my husband, too. He nursed every one to two hours for what seemed like years, but probably was only a couple of months. I would hear from other mothers at breastfeeding group about how their 6-week-olds were sleeping four or even six hours through the night. I'm not going to lie--I was pretty jealous. Then throughout the third and fourth months, Drew still nursed frequently. And some people thought this was not normal--but I knew it was PERFECTLY normal. And the lactation consultant and my bf group friends, and my favorite breastfeeding book knew it was normal. So we nursed on, Drew and I, meeting often during the night, neither of us sleeping for much more than two hours at a time.

My husband, the wonderful father that he is, really did want to help me find some sanity, though. He had read a bit about sleep rituals and schedules and he started a very lovely, soothing nighttime routine of bathing Drew, giving him to me to nurse, then rocking him to sleep. I think the continuity and regularity of the ritual helped Drew recognize bed TIME, even if he didn't sleep through the night. I truly believe that a regular bed time eventually helped us get to the sleeping through the night (even if it was much later!).

At the end of the fourth month (when Drew actually turned 4 months old), I remember being so excited that Drew had slept a four-hour stretch. And this continued pretty consistently, but again, Drew was still waking at least once, sometimes twice during the night. At Drew's 6-month check up, our pediatrician reminded us, no, he ENCOURAGED us, to make Drew cry it out to learn to soothe himself back to sleep. He also noted that Drew didn't NEED food in the middle of the night, that he wasn't waking because he was hungry.

A wise mother once wrote in her blog: if it doesn't feel right in your gut, then it probably isn't. And allowing my six-month old to cry while I PURPOSELY ignored him did NOT feel right to me, regardless of what the pediatrician or anyone else or any book advised. My husband was a little more eager to follow the doctor's advice--he really did want me to get more sleep, and he wanted Drew to get the rest he needed, too. But I'm blessed with a husband who trusts me, and even though he didn't necessarily agree with me in ignoring the ped's advice, he did his best to support me, and to take turns in the middle of the night when necessary.

And guess what? Gradually, Drew started sleeping longer. And if he woke crying, I nursed him if he wanted to. And if he just needed cuddling and rocking, well then we cuddled and rocked. And if we needed to sleep together for the rest of the night on the couch, that's what we did. And finally one night (when Drew had just turned eight months old), he went to bed at his regular time (8:00 p.m.) and didn't get up until about 5:00 a.m. WHA-HOO through the night! Write it on the calendar! And he started making that a regular habit, and soon 5:00 a.m. lengthened out to 6:00 a.m. And a little added bonus for Mommy and Daddy--Drew moved his 8:00 p.m. bedtime back to 7:00 p.m. -- on his own. So the best part is: I know in my heart that Drew goes to bed peacefully, and sleeps peacefully, all the while knowing that if he does need me, I'll be there. Most nights, he doesn't need me, but every once in a while he does, and I don't mind an extra snuggle with him.

So I suppose that I could boast about how my child sleeps through the night. And I could probably add that 7:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. is a pretty long time. How else did I have time to write this rather lengthy post??? BUT, I would much rather brag that I have NEVER and will NEVER use the Cry-It-Out method.


Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone who has used the CIO method or any other baby training book. They just don't work for me!

ONE FINAL THOUGHT:

I don't want to be an average mom, or even a good mom--I want to be the absolute best mother I can possibly be. And I want to put myself on that path purposefully. If there is research to read, I want to know about it. I want to put Drew's needs first and foremost, whenever and however I can.

I am unbelieveably blessed to have met a fabulous mom in my breastfeeding support group. She makes me think and question and want to educate myself about parenting. And get this...I am eight years older than she is. But she is wise beyond her youth, and if you want to be a better parent, her blog is worth reading and studying.

EASY Chicken Lasagna Alfredo

This past weekend I purchased a rotisserie chicken at the grocery store. In addition to eating the chicken as is, for your main course, there are so many uses for the leftovers...and here is one that turned out well. In fact, other than the chicken, I already had all of the ingredients in the cabinet, refrigerator, and freezer. Because the measurements depend on the size of your family, the amount of ingredients you have on hand, and the size of pan you are going to use, I am not going to include them. Plus, the best thing about a lasagna is you can pretty much "eye-ball" every ingredient and still turn out a masterpiece.

Lasagna Noodles
Jar of store-bought Alfredo sauce (1 jar for 8x8, but probably 2 for 9x13)
Cottage cheese or Ricotta
Diced cooked chicken
Frozen broccoli
Mozzarella cheese
Parmesan cheese

I made an 8x8 pan of lasagna. This is a perfect size for my family (just husband, me and baby) because we still have leftovers, but not two weeks worth. The leftovers are gone before we get tired of eating them! I used the no-boil style of lasagna noodles to save some time, but FYI: you really don't ever have to boil the other type of lasagna noodles as long as you use enough sauce. Anyway, the Barilla brand is what I had on hand. After spraying non-stick cooking spray in your baking dish, pour enough alfredo sauce to lightly coat the bottom of the pan. Spread a layer of noodles on bottom. Follow with a layer of cottage cheese, frozen broccoli, and chicken. Top with mozzarella and parmesan and a good pouring of the alfredo sauce. Repeat another layer. Finally, top the second layer with one more layer of noodles and a good helping of mozzarella cheese. I also poured any remaining sauce I had on top. Cover with foil (spray the foil with non-stick spray so the cheese doesn't bake onto it). Bake at 375 degrees for at least 45 minutes. When 20 minutes of cook-time are remaining, remove foil so cheese can get golden and bubbly. ENJOY!

By the way, there are all kinds of other things you could add--off the top of my head: sun-dried tomatoes, mushrooms, green peppers. Be creative!

Parenting Right

First I was silent. I was holding my husband's hand to my right, and a stranger's hand to my left. Every one else around me was reciting the Lord's Prayer, but I had stopped mid-prayer, already tearing up and unable to continue. As soon as we were done, I whispered to my husband, "I have to get out of here...NOW." On the verge of full-blown crying, I was glad that my husband and son were the only ones I had to climb over to get out of the pew. I needed to remove myself from the situation that had been unfolding in the pew in front of us: a father treating his daughter (maybe around two years old) terribly...and for no good reason. I could NOT take it. Now, he wasn't hitting her physically, but in actuality, he was hitting her...with his words, with his body language, with his harsh grabbing at her to settle her. We had been sitting behind this couple and their two kids for the whole service up to that point. The little girl was QUIETLY occupying herself with a book, some flashcards, and a cuddly. Was she moving around? Yes...but isn't that what two-year-olds DO? Was she muttering some two-year-old babble to herself? YES. Was she content during an adult church service meant for adult ears? ABSOLUTELY. Was her father making more noise grabbing at her and angrily "SSSHHHHHH-ing" her than the little girl was herself? Uh, YES. Was anyone else remotely bothered by the little girl? NO. By the father? YES. It wasn't just me who looked shocked at this man's behavior, although I was the only one crying about it. The girl's mom had already taken their fussy baby out of the church and into the lobby, leaving dad and the daughter alone. It seemed that once the mother was gone, the dad grew more and more annoyed and exceedingly harsh by the second. As I am watching all of this unfold, literally two feet away from me, I first said to my husband, "I can't watch this." Probably afraid that I might actually say something to the man, my husband whispered back, "You need to get a hold of yourself." And then the man's behavior continued and the tears start welling up in my eyes...and finally I made my mad-dash for the lobby, where I began sobbing.

I wonder how this father has already damaged his little girl's emotional health and how much he will continue to damage her into the future. It is no damn wonder that we get some pretty messed up kids in our classrooms. And of course I recognize that there are kids who have way worse parents than this little girl--these parents were in church for God's sake. Some parents are doing drugs on Sunday mornings. But nevertheless, this man showed no sign of love or affection for his little toddler, and was not worried at all about what the general public was watching. Jeez, I wonder how much worse it is at home. I should have been tipped off when I tried to smile at him when he first got his young baby out of her carseat. He scowled at me, too. How dare I show a little admiration for the cuteness of his baby.

So...here is where I would probably upset many people (if there happened to be more than three people who read my blog): I do NOT believe that it is everyone's right to be a parent. And furthermore, I am extremely offended by the people who abuse their fertility by continuing to have children when they have no intention of putting forth the love, effort and sacrifice that it takes to raise children who are mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy.

There, I feel better now...for me at least, but not for the poor little girl from church.