When I was pregnant with our first (and currently only) child, I read quite a bit, but mostly about how to breastfeed and about what was happening to my pregnant body. I knew all about foremilk and hindmilk, but I didn't know a thing about babies and their sleep patterns, with the exception that most of my friends who had babies/small children usually complained that they were sleep-deprived and were constantly warning me about the little sleep that I would be getting once Drew arrived.
Some family members as well as one friend of mine recommended to me a book about parent-directed baby-scheduling (but let's call a spade a spade...it was a book about training your baby to get on your schedule). Even as I type those words, I think about how far I've come in my thinking about my style/philosophies of parenting. The recommending family/friends talked about how the "methods" totally worked on their children and they were eager to back this up with data about how soon after birth their babies were "sleeping through the night" and how lovely it was to not have to feed their babies so often. I wonder if, in other cultures, it is common for women to brag about how long their babies sleep at night and how LONG they can go between feedings. Well, I have come to find out that I have a much different style of parenting.
Thank goodness I didn't waste my time reading the book during my pregnancy because prior to reading any of the "advice" (training instructions!) offered in the book, I had already had many intelligent and enlightening conversations with other mothers whose parenting methods felt more like mine. Granted, I don't parent too far from the perceived norm of our culture, but I definitely give more conscious thought to different areas of parenting than most other moms I come into contact with. I also do not take our pediatrician's word as the only way and/or best way to do things (like his advice to let Drew cry-it-out at 6 months).
Which brings me to why I even started this post in the first place. I want anyone and everyone (all four of you!) who read this blog to know that you don't HAVE to "train" your baby to sleep through the night by MAKING him/her Cry It Out. You can, but you really should read the research on the Ferber Method and any other CIO training methods. I am not an expert, but I have read enough to know that there is potential to damage your child's physical, mental, and emotional health if he/she is left to cry it out at a young age (yes, even six months, eight months, ten months...all too young in my opinion). Go ahead and stop reading this blog and read the Parenting Baby To Sleep blog. Or google those methods. There is information at your fingertips. You'll find huge fans of the CIO method, too. I'm just asking you to make an informed decision about why you would choose any "baby training."
OUR SLEEP STORY:
Like many, many infants, Drew came home from the hospital and slept most during the day and stayed up most of the night. It was frustrating for me and for my husband, too. He nursed every one to two hours for what seemed like years, but probably was only a couple of months. I would hear from other mothers at breastfeeding group about how their 6-week-olds were sleeping four or even six hours through the night. I'm not going to lie--I was pretty jealous. Then throughout the third and fourth months, Drew still nursed frequently. And some people thought this was not normal--but I knew it was PERFECTLY normal. And the lactation consultant and my bf group friends, and my favorite breastfeeding book knew it was normal. So we nursed on, Drew and I, meeting often during the night, neither of us sleeping for much more than two hours at a time.
My husband, the wonderful father that he is, really did want to help me find some sanity, though. He had read a bit about sleep rituals and schedules and he started a very lovely, soothing nighttime routine of bathing Drew, giving him to me to nurse, then rocking him to sleep. I think the continuity and regularity of the ritual helped Drew recognize bed TIME, even if he didn't sleep through the night. I truly believe that a regular bed time eventually helped us get to the sleeping through the night (even if it was much later!).
At the end of the fourth month (when Drew actually turned 4 months old), I remember being so excited that Drew had slept a four-hour stretch. And this continued pretty consistently, but again, Drew was still waking at least once, sometimes twice during the night. At Drew's 6-month check up, our pediatrician reminded us, no, he ENCOURAGED us, to make Drew cry it out to learn to soothe himself back to sleep. He also noted that Drew didn't NEED food in the middle of the night, that he wasn't waking because he was hungry.
A wise mother once wrote in her blog: if it doesn't feel right in your gut, then it probably isn't. And allowing my six-month old to cry while I PURPOSELY ignored him did NOT feel right to me, regardless of what the pediatrician or anyone else or any book advised. My husband was a little more eager to follow the doctor's advice--he really did want me to get more sleep, and he wanted Drew to get the rest he needed, too. But I'm blessed with a husband who trusts me, and even though he didn't necessarily agree with me in ignoring the ped's advice, he did his best to support me, and to take turns in the middle of the night when necessary.
And guess what? Gradually, Drew started sleeping longer. And if he woke crying, I nursed him if he wanted to. And if he just needed cuddling and rocking, well then we cuddled and rocked. And if we needed to sleep together for the rest of the night on the couch, that's what we did. And finally one night (when Drew had just turned eight months old), he went to bed at his regular time (8:00 p.m.) and didn't get up until about 5:00 a.m. WHA-HOO through the night! Write it on the calendar! And he started making that a regular habit, and soon 5:00 a.m. lengthened out to 6:00 a.m. And a little added bonus for Mommy and Daddy--Drew moved his 8:00 p.m. bedtime back to 7:00 p.m. -- on his own. So the best part is: I know in my heart that Drew goes to bed peacefully, and sleeps peacefully, all the while knowing that if he does need me, I'll be there. Most nights, he doesn't need me, but every once in a while he does, and I don't mind an extra snuggle with him.
So I suppose that I could boast about how my child sleeps through the night. And I could probably add that 7:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. is a pretty long time. How else did I have time to write this rather lengthy post??? BUT, I would much rather brag that I have NEVER and will NEVER use the Cry-It-Out method.
Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone who has used the CIO method or any other baby training book. They just don't work for me!
ONE FINAL THOUGHT:
I don't want to be an average mom, or even a good mom--I want to be the absolute best mother I can possibly be. And I want to put myself on that path purposefully. If there is research to read, I want to know about it. I want to put Drew's needs first and foremost, whenever and however I can.
I am unbelieveably blessed to have met a fabulous mom in my breastfeeding support group. She makes me think and question and want to educate myself about parenting. And get this...I am eight years older than she is. But she is wise beyond her youth, and if you want to be a better parent, her blog is worth reading and studying.
