Emails Can Be Very Educational

My son Drew is about to turn ONE. Goodness. Where has a year gone? So I have been thinking a lot about his BIRTH day lately. Maybe I'll post his birth story on his birthday.

I know a whole lot more now than I did then, and I wish I would have known more then. It's all about education...self-education. And I think it is so important to try to pass on the education--to share with as many people as possible (encouraging my four subscribers to share with people who might benefit).

So, today I am posting an email that I received from one of my high school friends when I was pregnant. Yep, more than a year later, I still have it saved in my email account. Her words are too wise and too informative to delete. So I thought I would post it this evening. She was one of very few "cheerleaders" for natural childbirth--which I was very interested in while I was pregnant, am still very interested in now, and am HOPING to be able to do if we are blessed to have another child in the future.

My friend's email to me begins:

"Ahh, natural childbirth in the 21st century . . . (sigh). Okay, here goes my soapbox . . . When I was expecting the first time I was pretty much in your same boat. Of course I would like to have a natural birth (DUH). After listening for 30 years to my mom tell me how much her Lamaze class helped and how the hardest part of labor was waiting for the doctor to get there . . ."

I think it is so funny that my friend's mother had such an easy birth...mine did, too. Intersting that they both took intensive Lamaze courses. Hmmmmmmm. Were their births truly that easy OR had they been educated in the proper mindset? Had they been practicing the relaxation techniques with their husbands for weeks and weeks? My mom indicated that she and my father really had to practice regularly and seriously at home in order to not be embarrassed at class. The breathing techniques and exercises they rehearsed not only improved relaxation and focus, but sounded like they built physical endurance as well. My mom, too, told me about my birth story over and over while I was pregnant, maybe in hopes that I would start believing that it could be a lovely experience contrary to what most people described.

When I even suggested the possibility that I was planning to decline an epidural, the responses I got usually included "you're crazy" or "that's what drugs are for" or "why would you even want to consider that" and sometimes included rolling eyes. One of the most unhelpful responses was "they don't give you a medal, you know." Such support from fellow women, many of them mothers themselves.

My friend's email continues:

"I signed up for a four-week hospital birth class which someone said was "Lamaze-like". I was, like you, a little surprised at the short length of the class, but figured hey, if my Mom can do it so can I. Maybe the classes are shorter now since all the doctors and nurses are more educated about natural birth (Not like in the 70's, right? Our moms paved the way for us, right?). Unfortunately, the reality is that most standard birth classes these days only pay lip service to preparing women for natural childbirth. And that is just fine with hospitals - they would rather women learn about hospital protocols than about listening to their own bodies. Hospitals don't make money that way."

What she really meant was the four 2-hour long classes that the hospitals offer are great if (a) you know absolutely nothing and don't plan to read a single word before you give birth, (b) you want to know exactly how the birth progresses medically and you don't already own the book "What to Expect...yadda yadda", or (c) you want to practice breathing techniques for about 15 minutes total--with all four of the classes put together.

So were the classes useful? I think they helped my husband understand birth and newborns and breastfeeding a little better. But I had already read about 90% of the information that was being presented either online or in pregnancy books. The most fun for me was seeing the mesh underwear that until then I had only heard about. And I will admit that the postpartum depression discussion was serious, thought-provoking and valuable. Other than that, not such a wise use of our dwindling time as just-the-two-of-us. Interestingly enough we both sort of zoned out when the C-section video was taking place because we were both positive I wouldn't be having one--which we ended up having, but that is certainly for another post. And I was SO PROUD of my husband because I remember the class that we learned about the medical "stuff"--especially with the epidural and how it ties you to the bed, and you can't get up and walk around, and it makes nursing after birth more difficult, and is such a medical, sometimes dangerous procedure, etc, etc.--he said "I never imagined giving birth being so medical." And when he said it, I heard in his voice that he wanted a more natural experience than what was just described, and less danger to me and our soon-to-be-born son. If only...but again, I'll save my birth story for another post.

And my friend's email continues:

"While it is far too "un-PC" for OB's or LDR nurses to ever say they are actually AGAINST natural childbirth, most rarely ever see one, let alone having any experience actually HELPING moms birth the way nature intended. In St. Louis, most of the hospitals have an over 90% epidural rate, somewhere around a 40% induction rate, and a 30% C-section rate. Think about it."

I'm glad she told me to think about it. I had never thought about ANY of that before, and I was pretty pregnant when I received this email that I am posting.

"Here is what I think about birth classes. If you are serious about going the husband-coached natural labor route, you will need to take a class that really gives you time to actually practice the coping techniques, so they come naturally to you once labor really hits. These are usually private classes and there are lots of different programs (Bradley, Hypnobirthing, Hypnobabies, Birthing From Within, etc.).

Otherwise, I say just get some books (most of the methods have books available) and maybe practice at home if you want to. The other side of the coin is that no matter what technique you learn, once active labor really hits hard most women just do whatever their bodies tell them to anyway. And that's just fine. I think the main purpose of ANY natural birth prep class is to give you confidence going into early labor, because fear can seriously mess you up (have you gotten very far in Ina May's book?)"

At the time I received the email in this post, it was a little on the late side to find/start/participate in a different class. I remember that I tried to find some local Lamaze classes, and I pondered trying a do-it-yourself book study with my husband, but it just didn't pan out. I was pregnant, hormonal, working full-time. And I didn't have a lot of local support to turn to. I live about 10 hours away from this friend and didn't know ANYONE who had taken any other classes than the ones the hospital offered. But, at least now I DO know of some local resources (like classes and doulas and yoga), and I HAVE met some mothers who birthed naturally.

My friend mentioned Ina May's book, which she had sent to me in a care package. Did I mention what a great friend she is? I didn't finish the book all the way through, but the underlying message, the message which made me Google "doulas," was about peaceful natural births by empowered women. How amazing does that sound?

"Regardless of what you decide about that, I really recommend investing in a doula. Husbands are great, but they make lousy labor coaches. Even if they are conscientious enough to study up on labor coping methods, when you are in labor you will respond FAR better to suggestions from someone who has actually been in your shoes (my husband can attest to this!). And don't expect labor support from the nursing staff - they are stretched far too thin among their patients. Maybe you will be in a different boat if you go with the nurse midwife, but even so it can be helpful to have someone come to your house and help you decide when it's time to leave for the hospital - the LAST thing you want to do is show up too early!"

Getting a doula...I was pretty motivated to find one until the big disagreement with DH. Maybe for another post...because it is a story of its own and caused another wise email from this same friend that is worth posting.

My friend closes her email:

"Sorry if this comes off preachy-I just wish someone had told me all this stuff before [my son] was born. I was so sure I knew what I was doing, and I
had been perfectly healthy the whole pregnancy. I am still blown away by how a perfectly healthy woman with a perfectly normal baby can show up at the hospital in labor and turn into a C-section. As I am sure you have heard, things went just a little bit differently with [my next one].

Okay, I'm off the soapbox now."

I didn't take it as preachy at all--I took it as a close friend being honest and open and doing her part in helping to educate her soon-to-give-birth-for-the-first-time friend. We could all benefit from a friend like this, huh?